Thursday, May 17, 2012
"It's a ..." BOOOOYYYYY! That's not what I expected!
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| 15 weeks along on the happy day when Biscuit first really showed himself - I say it's a "happy day" for several reasons but mostly because now people will know I'm not just wearing muumuus and stretch pants, because I've skipped the gym on too many consecutive mornings! |
In fact, before he left for work this morning, I asked Jeremy, "I'm thinking about blogging what I journaled yesterday; what do you think?"
As usual, he gave me a very supportive green light, and in that spirit, here I go.
Yesterday, as you may or may not know, Jeremy and I were able to get a glance at the Biscuit's gender. We aren't completely positive, but both my sister-in-law-the-midwife AND an ultrasound technician think he's a boy. Too soon to say for sure? At fifteen weeks, that may be the case, but both Jeremy and I agree that these sweet ladies wouldn't have even ventured a guess if they weren't pretty certain.
This is where the "politically incorrect" part begins.
To be honest, and to my great surprise, I felt like the wind was knocked out of me when I heard the words "It's a Boy!" I tried to act unaffected. I returned Jeremy's celebratory kiss, as if I were as pumped as Mr. Pressley, but the truth was, it stung. Apparently, I was more set than I thought I was on the idea of a daughter - who, I was certain, would love Dorothy Fields as much as her mama does.
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| This very menacing profile (?) was the best picture we could get at yesterday's ultrasound. I'll tell you this: he looks nothing like the name we've picked out for him. Judging by this pic, he should be called Hulk or Slayer or Hulk the Slayer. Anybody know where I can get some spike-encrusted diaper covers? |
The very friendly medical staff, of course, showered us with congratulations. I feigned elation, hoping the palpable dip in my spirits was wholly unnoticeable to anyone other than myself. Jeremy, ever perceptive, did notice. As we walked away from the check-out desk (and several times after), he said, "I'm sorry you're disappointed."
I admitted the truth to the man who knows me best, adding, as we drove home, how silly I was being. Though, judging by the picture to the right, he's got a horrifying resemblance to Skeletor from "He-Man," our sweet baby has two arms, two legs, both hemispheres of his brain, a strong heart, and his daddy's long, bony fingers. Plus, my blood pressure is perfect, and my weight gain is well within the parameters I'd hoped to stay in for the early part of my pregnancy. Biscuit's got two (ginormous) eye sockets, a backbone - all he needs to grow big and strong. How silly - no, STUPID - of me to make an idol of a baby girl's name that my heart's been set on, since I was twelve years old.
"It's just that I wanted my baby ..." I started telling myself. It's like God stopped me before I could even complete the thought, though.
"No, Kristin," He whispered. "He's not your baby; He's MY baby."
Instantly, my attitude shifted when confronted by God's truth. Our mighty Creator is crafting this beloved boy to serve His purposes, not to give me a baby doll to dress up or a progeny to propagate my passion for the American musical. Baby Biscuit is being knit together to advance the Kingdom of the One Who has already planned his days.
What an incredible gift - and a humbling challenge - to be the one entrusted with his care!
As we continued our drive back to Canton, I also thought of Hannah. She surrendered the son for whom she had prayed, to the service of the One Who granted her request. In the same way, Jeremy and I want to give our son to God, to fulfill the role He's made for him rather than to be the extension of some self-serving agenda we've set for ourselves.
Sweet, sweet, sorta-scary-looking Jones, I love you so much.
I am so thankful and humbled that God would choose me and your daddy
"Father, God, thank You for my baby boy. Lord, continue to give him good health, and prepare Jeremy and me even now to show him how to be a super strong man of God. Lord in Heaven, we give him already right back to You with the humble request that You would equip us to train him, to teach him diligently to be the man that You made him to be. Be gracious to him that he may walk in Your ways all the days of his life. Hem him in when he would be tempted to go astray. Thank You, God, for entrusting us with Your son. Empower us now to be faithful to the call You've given us.
We love you. In Jesus's name, Amen."
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Kristin, When Bevan found out I was having a girl with Eleanor he was shell-shocked. He'd always wanted a boy first. He got over the disappointment, of course. And let me tell you that he and Eleanor have such a close relationship, a true kindred bond. The Lord knows what we need and even want before we realize it!
ReplyDelete--Jessica
Thank you so much for sharing, Jessica! I've definitely come around but was BLOWN AWAY by how disappointed I felt. Several people have told me since that they felt the same way, which has definitely made me feel a little less like the Worst Mother in the WORLD :)
ReplyDeleteHope all goes well with your move!
Thanks again for reading - and taking the time to comment!
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ReplyDeleteI found your blog on Kelly's Korner!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your sweet little boy and thank you so much for writing this post. I, too, have my heart set on a little girl (though, this is the first time I've admitted it outside of my own thoughts), and have already started to prepare myself for the fact that this baby may very well be a boy. I feel guilty when I think that I may be disappointed, so reading this really helped me see passed my own selfish desires and to see the bigger picture of God's plan.
I'm due on December 6th and since our due dates are so close, I'm looking forward to reading more about your pregnancy journey!
Again, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts so candidly. Congratulations again and best of luck! :)
Analisa,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by - and I'm so glad that you found out you're not the only one to have her heart set on one gender or another :) Just a few weeks removed from our "boy diagnosis" :), I can already tell you that I am so excited to meet this little man, so God has definitely changed my heart, as He will yours, if it's a boy He's planned for YOU! When should you find out? Or ARE you finding out?
Best of luck to you - and thanks again for reading! Come back anytime!
Kristin
We are finding out, but the "big ultrassound" isn't until the middle of July! I can't wait!
ReplyDeleteThis subject had really been weighing on my heart lately, so I really do feel like God led me to read your blog post, and I'm so glad that I clicked on it! Reading it really did help me feel so much better. :)
Thanks again!! :)
Well, praise the Lord! I'm so glad He was able to speak to you through the post!
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I had a relapse when I was at a wedding the weekend after the ultrasound. Surrounded by little girls in smocked dresses and big hairbows, I definitely had to get my head on straight again. But now, as we look forward to getting confirmation of his gender at next Monday's appointment, I can honestly say I'll be disappointed if it ISN'T a boy, and if that change of heart's not testimony to the power of God, I don't know what is :)
Good luck to you - and please feel free to stay in touch, if you need to talk through gender disappointment or anything else!
Thanks again for reading!